I've been thinking about the way I feel now... Now that I am grown... It's not easy to put into words but if my story will help another person then it's worth telling.

When I was a little girl I thought I was just right. My folks divorced when I was about 4, and Mom married again when I was 6. I was sheltered, and felt loved very much. We lived with my grandparents until mom married the second time. Then, when my mom remarried things began to change...

My mom was very heavy. So I guess you could say that she tried to live her life through me. She stayed on me all the time about not gaining weight. However, because of the way she fed me I couldn't help but gain weight. She never thought about how to eat correctly for weight control. Back then, no one thought much about it. My mom would feed me, then gave me heck if I gained. I really tried to watch how much I ate, so I wouldn't gain too much.

When I got married I was just right in weight. Needless-to-say, the weight started coming on. Then I really gained when the babies came. I didn't try to lose it, and I don't have an excuse why.

When I was growing up I felt that because I was chubby that everyone was ashamed of me. When I got married and started gaining the weight, my Mom never let it be forgotten that I was fat, and she even insisted that people were making fun of me. I began to see different people elbow one another and point at me. I now weigh 400 pounds and I'm not proud of it at all. I was always afraid my children were (and are) ashamed of me. I would go to school functions and just be miserable. My children always told me (and they still do) that they love me and want me to lose because of my health.

Mom even had my step-dad tell me that she was going to have a breakdown if I didn't lose. I was miserable. Then she told me that if I continued to stay fat that my husband would leave me. Even though I felt that he wouldn't do that, I still wondered. When I went shopping I felt as if every eye was on me. And I guess there are lots of people who do stare. I wouldn't go into restaurants because I felt that people would wonder why that fatty was eating.

And Dot, there were people who stared and you could tell that they were thinking what a glutton I was (Actually I don't eat as much as my children or many other people). Just everything went to fat. It wasn't just the stares and the snickers, but what it did to my thinking and my feelings inside. Maybe you think, "well why didn't I lose the weight if it bothered me so?" I don't have an answer. I hate the way I did my body. I'm sick and can't walk more then 10 feet. Just because of this shape I'm in.

I had one doctor make fun of me right to my face when I had my second son. He said that he bet that my husband was glad that I was fat, because no man would ever want me. So he probably felt pretty safe. I was crushed. He also said that I would die before I was 40. I'm 63 (But in poor health). I have a wonderful doctor now, but he would love to see me lose. Can't lose very fast because I can't do much. I am swimming now, so we will see.

I have always thought that I was ugly and no matter what I did to fix myself up, it was not good enough. When I buy clothes I have to get them from the big ladies shops, and I'm always ashamed to tell what size I take. My mom used to give me heck when we bought school clothes. Even called me names and said that if I weren't so fat we could buy in the normal sizes. Children have said terrible things. I can almost excuse them because they don't understand the pain. But when they get a little older you would think they would know better. Does it make them feel good to make fun of one who is different?

Anyway, I guess you could say that I hate what I see in the mirror, and people think that I am riding the carts at the store because I'm lazy. I'm not lazy; I was and still would be a hard worker. I try to do so much, and I get so depressed when I can't do it. Also, Dot, people say that fat people are dirty and smelly (That really hurts). If anything, I go to great lengths to be clean and smell good.

To bring this short story to an end.... I have even started swimming for exercise. When I get my legs to operate better I plan to tone up a little. I couldn't get a swimsuit to fit, so I wore cut-offs and a t-shirt. Yes, someone made fun of it. She said that I should feel ashamed (But I have to say here that most of the people who swim with me are very encouraging)

Don't think this is a pity party for me. I try to overlook the looks and things said, I try to keep it in my mind that there are good people out there and my family and friends love me and have gotten to know the real me.
 

If you could just see my heart (and not my body) you would like me. We could be friends - I know this is true, because I have lots of internet friends. Why should it be this way? Just because I have a problem that shows, and others have problems that don't show?

And God says: Romans 13:10 "Love does no wrong to a neighbor; love therefore is the fulfillment of the law."

I love you, dear friend of mine. I love your heart and it doesn't matter to me that you are not perfect in body. Your heart is perfect enough to make up the difference! You're an eagle when you fly! Your forever friend, Dot